Selflessness is not Natural

Let me open this post with a little history behind it's origin. It is Sunday night, I just got off from work and settled in for the night. The Wifey is working on learning definitions for her medical terminology class, the kiddos are in bed, and I am  at the computer, on Twitter, sitting here trying to write a post for Monday. Enter the brain fart. I sit here, and sit here, and sit here ...  bueller ....... bueller .............. bueller ... You get the picture. I cannot get anything to flow from my brain, to my fingers, to the keys on my laptop. Nothing!

So I throw out into the Twitterverse: "Quick, throw some words at me to write a short post about for tomorrow ... ready .... GO!". Now enter: Renee (@theblondeview)*  with the answer to my call for desperate inspiration. One word stuck out at me immediately: SELFLESSNESS ... It is a subject that I have been struggling with recently and trying to grasp a better concept of. 

The Wifey just started classes this fall. The study load is pretty heavy and the subjects are getting tougher. The study time required plus the time required to get all the other chores to be done makes for a demanding schedule. The SAHM of our two little kiddos and full time student stays busy, tired, and in need of my support (and sometimes a study buddy). My work schedule bounces between morning shift and night shift and makes a grand challenge for steady sleep habits that even Hercules can't beat. I try to take more of the parental obligations off of her the times that I am home, though I admit I struggle with it at times. 

Just this morning, I was thinking about my attitudes and the amount of heart I am putting behind the support I give to my wife. Am I doing it because I want to? Or because I HAVE to? Am I offering it with all my heart, or am I using some kind of hidden agenda? With all that we have going on right now, am I giving my whole heart into everything I do especially, when it comes to my wife and my children?

Selflessness is not natural. It is not a trait that we are born into that just pours out. Selflessness takes work, conditioning of the heart, the mind, and the soul. It is a trait I strive for. A trait, I admit, I do not always have, and probably should have more often. My wife is doing something amazing! She has taken the challenge upon herself, to go back to school, get a degree, and a great job, all to help benefit the well being of our family. I do support her, I am behind her, and wish her the best of luck and success with this new adventure of life. I know it has to be hard for her to balance studying, dishes, laundry, bedtime, bath time, naptime, off to school, home from school, groceries, and finally dealing with me being a turd half the time. That's a lot to deal with!

For me, the struggle has been being more willing to jump right up and do whatever needs to be done, no matter how tired, no matter how hungry, no matter how smelly I am, to just get up and do it. No questions, no whining (we hear enough of that from the kids), no thinking about myself. Being selfless and providing the real, loving, and committed support she needs.

It will take work, dedication, self empowerment, and faith. It will not be easy at all times, but nor will it be half hearted. I am committed to being the man my wife, my children, and my friends need me to be. I know the road is tough sometimes, and I am tired, hungry, weary, in need of self time, and those times will be my greatest challenge, but I will try my best to overlook myself, be the selfless man, and do what needs to be done. It is what I am called to do.


*Sidenote: Check out Renee's blog at http://theblondeview.blogspot.com

The Challenge is Made: What Do I Do Now?

For those who don't know, Aaron from fatherfolk.com recently posted a letter on the site entitled "And Open Letter to the Dad Revolution". Click on the link to read the letter in its entirety before moving on with this response. It is important to read it all the way through and see what the letter was all about to begin with. There is also a good response to this written by James over at SAHD in Portland, which I think you should also read. A great take on what has been said as well. 

Read them?

Read them all the way through?

Okay, we can move on then. My take on the letter:

First off, let me say, that I deeply respect the opinions of others, and I am a big fan of what goes on over at fatherfolk.com ... I read them daily and hopefully will be meeting with a few folks this month. And I deeply respect the ideology behind the challenge that was made in the letter.

I do, however, disagree that writing about what we do is "the new just showing up". There are millions upon millions of dads who do not show up at all, and many of whom probably can't even tell you their children's middle names.  The ratio of uninvolved dads to engaged, knowledgeable dads is still way off the charts, though the trend towards more dads becoming involved with their children is becoming very apparent. Most of the bloggers I know, those at Dad Revolution, and all around the online dadosphere are engaged dads. Writing about what we do  and our experiences is just our medium for sharing with others. The return of this, of course, is a great network of dads who support each other, listen to each other's experiences and learn from each other as well all are along for the ride of parenting.

I agree with Aaron, and many other dads, that being "good enough" is NOT good enough. Not for this guy anyway. I don't want my wife to be able to say "oh well he is good enough as a dad". I want to be known as a great dad, an involved dad, a dad who knows his children and is capable of raising them and being the dad that they need. It is a struggle, yes, but it IS possible to be more than "good enough". 

The term "revolutionary" means so many things to so many people. Though, my personal belief as the term relates to being a member of Dad Revolution, is not that of trying to change the world on a greater scale so it is better when my children grow up, but something on a smaller scale. Like, my children smaller. The "Dad Revolution", to me, is not about making a statement about the grander social scale, but playing on the level of dads everywhere. I do not think it is possible to change the world as it is, but it IS possible for us to raise our children, as the future of the world, to be more understanding, to look for similarities between them and others, not the differences. I believe if we want to see the world change, then the change begins with us, and how we raise our children.

I accept the challenge from  Aaron on this level: As a member of Dad Revolution, and just a dad in general, I will do more to show other dads what I believe it to mean to be an involved parent. I will be more proactive in encouraging and challenging other dads to become more engaged with their children, and more active in their roles as parents. We can teach our children equality, we can teach them to love, to be gentle, and to be kind. We can help other dads who seek to be the best dad they can be in understanding that as the future or the world, the way we raise our children, and who we raise our children to be, will be what the world is in the future.

How do you change a whole world full of dads? I have no clue. I know how I can change myself, and share that change with other dads, and I will continue to try and encourage other dads to be more than "good enough" and to be the best dad they can be. I will try to live a life that is in accord with what I write, and what I believe in, as "walking the walk" is more important than "talking the talk". Anyone can say anything, but we are called to do more than just talk!

Aaron, thank you for the spirit of challenge, and for pointing out to us that no, being good enough is not good enough, and that we are in positions, as dads, to directly influence the future of this world, and the way that dads the world over perceive their roles. Surely this will be something I think on a little bit more each day, and perhaps a good topic of conversation when we meet. I accept the challenge to be more than just one who writes about experience, but one who encourages and engages with others, so that we may raise the future of this world to be a bright future, and not the same world we grew up into.