I Wear My Heart on My Dot Com

Catchy isn't it? Okay, maybe not, maybe a little on the dorky side, but no matter. It is a phrase I used recently in a Facebook message to my buddy Gonzo at work when talking about the blog. First time he had read through it, and he was just giving me some feedback about it. I started thinking more and more about this phrase in the few days following that short exchange. And even more so after reading the latest greatness from JR over at Sex And The Single Dad that talks about the ability to open up about "real" stuff. I recommend everyone give it a read as I believe it is a great struggle for all men and dads to be open and real about everything, especially when it comes to things that aren't "guy talk" material.

So, how does it relate to being a dad, and what I write on my blog? I try my best to be totally open, real, and transparent in what I write here and other places. I try to show all sides, good and bad, manly or not. Even if this means exposing my fears, things that bring me down and bum me out. But it also means sharing the good side of things, the stuff that lifts me up, makes me smile, and lightens my soul, even if just for a moment. 

Being open, and being real are difficult. Often times we feel the need to be a certain someone in front of certain people. We all do this, myself definitely included in that. I often believe that certain people have a particular image of me in their minds, and I try not to break that image by revealing parts of myself they don't know about. Being open and honest is a trait I was not born with, but I try, in everything I do, to achieve. When it comes to being a dad, my heart is on my virtual sleeve.

Everyone in my life knows how much I dig being a dad, and just how much I love my kiddos. There is no doubt to anyone that knows me that my children and my family come first above all in my life. And here, I open up freely about everything that has to do with my being a dad. From the great days, first day of school, potty training accomplishments, to the bad days, grouchy kids, parenting fails, and feelings of inadequacy as a father.

I hope you will always find honest and genuine content here at The DaddyYo Blog. By stopping by, even if just for a 90 second quick read, I hope you can navigate away into the virtual world and leave here feeling like you know me just a little better. This is my outlet. This is wear it all comes out, and all gets released and off my shoulders. And you know, that's just fine with me. Better to let the whole world see me in the reality that is me, than just a few people, and living a lie to the rest. This is who I am. This is DaddyYo. I wear my heart on my dot com.

Real Talk: Taking a Deeper Look Inside (Final Post for this Series)

I have been posting in the "Real Talk" series for a couple of weeks now, talking about what it means to be a "real man" in different areas of our life. The feedback has been great and I have been learning a lot about myself as well while writing this series.

But today, it is time to stop, and take a look at my life, and evaluate where I am at in my quest to become more real. It's time to look at where I am, and where I want to go, and what I have to do to get there.  This will be the last post in the series for a little while and the series will be moved to new hosting over at Real Authentic Men. So, sit down with me, let me lie on your couch, and take a look inside.

Real Talk: Guest Post from Adam (@homebrewdharma)

So I was asked by @DaddyYoEffinRox if I wanted to write a guest post on what I think it means to be “a real man”. Sure, I thought, should be easy enough.  But then so many questions. How to define “a real man”? By who’s standards? What are the implications of such a label? So then I tried to just not think about it for a few days.

I struggled while I attempted to write this. I thought about it probably 30 different ways. I tried to define it by this standard or that standard, but none of that really worked. Should I go from a mid-west perspective? A Buddhist one? How does the media portray “real men”? Generally I don’t give much thought to what constitutes a “real” version of anything (I recently blogged about my distaste for those that claim to have the “true” version of their religion) but considering what the media and society at large has to say about this particular subject, I think I owe it to my fellow men to give it a shot, even if I’m wrong. And in the theme of this blog (and my own experience), I think I’ll try and frame the idea of a “real man” into the role of fatherhood.

I had about 1000 words written about my father and grandfather, and how they gave me solid examples of what a “real man” is/should be. Things like fixing your own car, doing things right the first time (half-assed anything was grounds for punishment growing up) putting your family first, having confidence and instilling that confidence in those around you. But then I started to have some real reservations about my childhood models for manhood.

One thing I never learned as a youth was what a man was supposed to be, only what a man was supposed to do. The men in my life rarely told me how to be, rather they just taught me what to do and what not to do. A man was supposed to work his ass off, hunt, play/watch football, work on cars, roof his friend’s house, build decks, mow the lawn, work his ass off, drink beer, wear Wranglers, buy American, work his ass off, and grill in the summertime.  Well, at least those were the most readily available (although a bit exaggerated) examples. But true to the old adage “do as I say, not as I do”, our Fathers all told us “dear god, don’t do what we do! Go to school so you never have to live like this!” So I was immersed in one reality and told to live another that was completely foreign to me, because the ideals that I embraced weren’t really ideals to be embraced even though it seemed as if they should be.

Has every generation experienced this? I know that parents generally try to elevate their children’s station in life above their own. But has society progressed so much that this becomes unrealistic? Is there now too much of a gap to be bridged? Maybe this is why my generation has such a hard time coping with “manhood” and parenting and adulthood. Our whole life we lived in one world, and were told to dream and strive for another with no idea of how that ideal actually works; no idea how to put it into practice. So we struggle. I struggle. I struggle with how to live and raise my children in the utopia my Father hoped to create for me, while at the same time I reach back for those qualities I admired about the “real men” of my youth.

Maybe what was lacking was the spiritual side of manhood, of fatherhood. Maybe when our grandfathers came back from WW2, they had no sprit left to give their sons. So manhood became something that was altogether mechanical, and was out of balance. Our fathers then pursued this mechanized lifestyle which fulfilled the mundane aspects of their lives, but left little room for them in the realm of that which is ethereal. For a few years, my dad raised me all by himself, and I now wonder if he struggled with this on some subconscious level. I wonder how detached my grandfather was. I wonder how my Father’s generation prepared for Fatherhood, if at all?

I’m starting to feel that what I’ve been searching for in my adulthood/fatherhood experience is the point at which I can touch what it is I’ve been attempting to define here. Is that why I feel like my generation is so… lost? Because we fail in our attempt to reach that point of contact? I wonder if we know we’re even supposed to be searching for it. Rather than attempt live up to the ideal of a “real man” (however you may choose to define it), I feel like most of the time we just get through the day without much attention to our intentions and motivations, mostly just stumbling.

So what is a real man here, now, in 2010? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pin that down. I’m still unsure of how to bethat living example of what it is I want my son to strive towards. At times I feel like I’ll never be half the man my father was, and other times I think that might be a good thing.

Or maybe the entire narrative of a “real man” is a false one; a narrative that exists only in fairy tales and Lifetime original movies. And if so, it might be a harmful one. Look at the false narrative that women have to live up to: the wafer-thin models that grace the covers of tabloid magazines put up like billboards advertising that this, yes this is what beauty is. Do we need this kind of stress in our lives? Do I need a constant reminder of how I’m failing to be a “real man”, especially since I can’t even seem to define what that is? We’ll never live up to the Bill Brasky-esque stories we hear around the proverbial water cooler. And we shouldn’t need to try.

 It might just be that what makes a “real man” isn’t any set-in-stone list of qualities. I don’t think it really can be. I do my best to avoid absolutes, and this certainly doesn’t seem like the moment to embrace one. I’m wondering if what makes a man a “real man” is simply in the honest effort that he puts into his work, his family, his self, his community. I’m realizing now that my manhood can be found in the moments when I strive to be the example I wish to set for my children and their generation, regardless if I ever get there.

Adam Johnson

http://www.twitter.com/homebrewdharma

http://dharmabrewing.wordpress.com

Cheers.

Real Talk: Balance of being Hubby and Daddy

As dads, we are always struggling with how to be the best daddy we can be and the best men we can be. In the "Real Talk" series, we have talked about what it means to be a "real man" in different areas of our lives. Being a dad, being a husband, having courage, and making changes.

Then yesterday, my mom put the seed in my brain in raising this issue: To be the best dads you can be, you also must be the best husband-partner you can be. Powerful thought! There is a balance in our lives between being the best dad and being the best partner for our spouses. Both of which are very important in having a healthy relationship with our families, and for helping us become "real men".

 Obviously, in some situations, it is not always possible for both parents to be at home, and I understand and acknowledge that completely. Choices that other's make are their choices and I am not here in any manner to step on peoples toes or to judge. However, I cannot write this post from that perspective not being in that type of situation myself. And I will not pretend to know about anything I don't know. This post deals with those of us who are married or have a partner at home. That being said, let's move on, shall we?

Real Talk: Being a Man of Courage

"Courage: The ability to face uncertainty and step out of ones comfort zone and face fear; One who is not afraid to admit their wrongdoings no matter the sentence; Unafraid to admit fear, and when help is needed" - The DaddyYo Blog

Many people look at courage in many different ways. Some view people of courage as a soldier who dies for home and country; a stranger who takes a bullet for someone they have never known, and will never know as a result of selfless actions. Others view it as someone who is unafraid to stand up for what is right, and what they believe in; someone who will do what it takes to support their family, no matter how far out of their comfort zone they may have to go.

Neither view of courage is wrong. In fact, they are all great examples of how ordinary people become heroes and legends. Courage is not something we are born with. Rather, it is a trait we develop. Whether out of necessity, or because we want to try something new and spice up our lives, it is a characteristic that must be worked on. So how does a "real man" show his courage?

Real Talk: Being a "Real Man" - Guest Post by @mochadad

Walking through my old neighborhood, I noticed one of my old friends, Vando, walking toward me.
“What’s up, man,” he said as we shook hands. A few years had passed since I had seen Vando, but his weathered face made it seem as if it were decades.
“Nothing much,” I replied. “What’s been up with you?”
“Same ole, same ole,” he said. “Just trying to survive.” I knew all about his means of survival. Petty theft, pimping, and drug trafficking kept his pockets full of cash.

While we reminisced, I learned the fates of some of the neighborhood boys we grew up with. The ones who weren’t dead or in jail were quickly on their way towards one or the other. Only a few of us managed to slip through the cracks.

Since we last saw each other, I had graduated from college, got married, had kids and moved to the burbs. Vando, on the other had lived in the same house and hung out on the same corners that we did as teenagers. As I gazed into Vando’s dark eyes, the world I worked so hard to forget became real to me again, and I began to see traces of my former self in Vando’s weary face.

Before meeting Vando, books were my escape, taking me to places that transcended the poverty, squalor, and despair that surrounded me. Through my books, I could be an astonaut, detective, or brave knight. But the life Vando introduced me to proved to be more alluring than my pristine fantasies. Our escapades were filled with excitement and danger. We mostly engaged in typical juvenille deliquent activities such as shoplifting, vandalizing, or fighting with other boys. But one day, things took a turn for the worse.

Vando and I were loitering on a corner when he noticed a girl walking by. His demeanor turned grim, his body grew tense. Suddenly, he broke a huge branch from a tree, ran to the girl and started beating her. Tears mixed with blood poured from her face as Vando pummelled her – each blow producing a sickening whap against her flesh.
Afraid Vando would kill the girl, I grabbed the branch causing Vando to glare at me with rabid eyes. I was frightened, but I held on refusing to allow him to beat that girl anymore.

“Let’s get outta here,” he said after several minutes. Vando dropped the branch and we ran to his house narrowly escaping some men who were chasing us.

Once we were safely inside, Vando told his grandmother, “If someone knocks on the door, don’t answer it.” The gentle woman nodded quietly and continued watching television as if she had experienced this situation before. Vando and I ran to his bedroom and crouched in the darkness without uttering a word. We sat for about twenty minutes before we were startled by police officers’ banging on the front door.

“Just chill out,” Vando said coolly. “Don’t say nothin’ and they’ll leave.”
After a few minutes, they did leave. When they were gone, I turned to Vando and asked, “What’s wrong with you man? Why’d you beat up that girl?”
“She lied on me. She got what she deserved.”

I wanted to tell Vando that no one deserved such brutal treatment; that he was a cold, heartless animal. However, I said nothing because I didn’t want Vando to think I was soft.
After that night I avoided Vando as much as possible. Whenever he asked me to hang out with him, I always gave him ane excuse. He eventually got the message and left me alone.

With Vando, I was able to tap into the raw masculinity that boys long for. But I was misguided as many young males are. I thought that Vando was teaching me how to to be a man. All he was teaching me was how to be a criminal. That’s why it is so important for fathers to be involved in their sons’ lives. As much as my mother tried to teach me how to be a man, her gender prevented her lessons from sticking. Sons need fathers.

I realize that my sons will most likely encounter Vandos in their lives.  It is up to me to provide them with an authentic version of manhood so they will not be enticed by this pale imitation. I must teach them to balance their need to be rough, rugged and raw, with the ability to be caring and respectful. My example will be their sword and shield in the battle for their hearts and minds.

I think I may be on the right track. The other night, my 5-year-old son, N, said, “My dad is the best man I know.” If he can still say this 20 years from now, then I know that I will have been successful in my role as a father.


--

Mocha Dad
http://www.mochadad.com
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/mochadad
CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG: http://www.makingitlastforever.com

Real Talk: Being Real as a Dad

Continuing in the series "Real Talk" I figured it would only be right when it came to hitting on certain areas of life that I would talk about being real when it comes to being a dad. I guess a lot of people would say that if you are a "real man" as defined by the posts in this series then being a dad would just coem as part of that. However, I do not see this as being entirely true.

To be able to be real in life, I must be real in all areas of my life. I am a dad above all else. My children come first for everything in my life (followed very very VERY closely by my wife). Therefore, it seems logical to have a very stronger will to be real as a dad, above other areas. What does this mean exactly?

My calling, as a dad, is to protect, provide for, and teach my children, to do it to the best of my ability, and to prepare them for the life that lies ahead of them. This also calls for me to be real with myself and with my children at all times. I am here to tell you it's not possible. There are times when my actions or my reactions to situations are out of line, and need a realignment. There are times when my judgement does not reflect the best of my abilities.

This area is under constant construction. Never could I know all the answers all the time all the right times. I want what's best for my children (who doesn't, right?). Eventually they will grow up and one day look back on how they were raised when questioning their own parental abilities. What I do now, will be a reflection of who I am now, to who they are then. Right? My oldest is at the age where imitation is the key to learning how to act, react, and what to say and when. Too many words of anger heard, too many words of anger spoken. Words of love, honesty, firmness, and compassion foster a caring, proper, and honest understanding of life and the cause and effect of actions.

I want my children to know that their father loves them, even when anger is about to boil over, and to be able to recognize that anger, before it boils. I want to be able to speak nothing but honesty and compassion with them, so they may grow up to be kind and understanding. I want my life to be something they can measure me by, and be admired by.

Perhaps they won't grow up the way I want them to. In fact, I can promise they won't. But one thing that can remain a constant through the times we will share together, is that I tried to be real with them and in my raising of them. I promise them to try, to try to be real, to try to be honest, and loving and compassionate, to raise them with the best of my abilities, and to raise them the way being a "real dad" calls me to be.

Real Talk: Guest Post by TheJackB

So my friend John asked me to write a post about what it means to be a real man and presto changeo, I have the following thoughts to share with you. But before I begin allow me to share some of the lyrics from the song I am listening to:

Do you really think I care,
What you read or what you wear,
I want you to join together with the band,
There's a million ways to laugh,
And every one's a path,
Come on and join together with the band.

Everybody join together, I want you to join together,
Come on and join together with the band,
We need you to join together, come on and join together,
Come on and join together with the band.

You don't have to play,
You can follow or lead the way,
I want you to join together with the band,
We don't know where we're going,
But the season's right for knowing,
I want you to join together with the band.

It's the singer not the song,
That makes the music move along,
I want you to join together with the band,
This is the biggest band you'll find,
It's as deep as it is wide,
Come on and join together with the band,
Hey hey hey hey hey hey, well everybody come on.

Join Together- The Who

I suppose that I could write it off as a coincidence that this started playing now. Could say that it is just part of the iTunes shuffle but I won’t. I won’t because it is appropriate and pertinent to this discussion.

A real man understands that there is a time and place for being part of a community or an individual. He recognizes that there are moments when he must go off by himself and follow his heart and that some times obligations/responsibilities must come ahead of that.

A real man understands that his role within the family unit is to provide for his family.  What is important to remember is that the most critical thing that a real man can provide for his family is emotional stability and then financial.

Now these are concepts and ideas that are not written in stone and are subjective in nature. But that is ok because when you deal with people and these sorts of things there is no single formula to follow, no one way to do things.

Family life is fluid and dynamic. Things are always changing. Children grow, parents age and relationships build, develop and dissolve. So a real man figures out how to adapt and overcome the challenges that are presented.

A real man accepts responsibility for the good and the bad. You hold yourself accountable because when the lights go out and you are alone with your thoughts it is always clear whether you met or failed to meet the mark you set.

In my mind a real mind is active in the world around him. He gives back to his community and tries to make the world a better place. These are not platitudes or things to be said for the purpose of making one look better.

Of course you could do so. You can always find a way to present a front to others, but you can never truly fool yourself. So when I sit down and think about whether I meet the mark, whether I fit the description of a real man I think…sort of.

Still working, still growing and hopeful that one day I get it right. But that is the good news, the real man always has another day. Another day to try to do it all again, to be better. Because a real man can’t accept just giving up.

Better to fail trying than to not try at all.

By: @TheJackB

Jack Be Nimble

Real Talk: What it Means to be a "Real Man"

After some great conversations with some equally great men, I have decided to start a series of posts about being a "real man". Along the way I will be posting about different areas in my life that I am trying to be more real in and will also feature guest posts from other guys about what it means to them to be a "real man".

Let me start with this disclaimer: This is not a post about machismo attitudes or sheer brute strength and the ability to have any woman you want. Nothing about those things mean being a "real man" to me. So if you are looking for posts about the ability to lift a VW Beetle by myself, or the number of girls that think I'm the bomb, then  Google it, and look there. This is about much more personal and deeper meaning of the term "real man".

I'm not perfect. I am very far from it. I am not always the greatest husband and the greatest father, greatest brother and greatest son. I can try though. And I can try my best to be real in every aspect of my life. What does it mean, though, to be a "real man"?

To me, it means being the man you are called to be. Being the man your family needs you to be. I can admit that I have not always been that man. Nobody is perfect, so it is to be expected that no man can ever be exactly the man they need to be or want to be. And it is a goal I don't think can ever really be met, but can always be strived for. We all want the best out of life, and want the best for our families. In this regard we are called to be real, to be honest and open in our lives. We are called to lay aside the worldy view of men for a more personal view of the men we are individualy and personally.

As life moves on and changes us, also we must change with life. As life has carried me to the point I am at, I have been able to take note of the ever changing world, and my ever changing self. As of recently, being more of a "real man" and being more active in the lives of my children, and more active in my role as a husband, has been on the forefront of my mind. Growing up has its challenges, and these are just two of them. As a working man, it is not easy to always know everything about my children, but I try. I try to spend good, quality time with them when I am home, and I have learned to value the time I have with them. As for marriage, I am not even going to pretend I can give any direction to anyone about it. Everyone's relationships are different, and is just another area that challenges us. Being more open, and honest, caring and understanding ... the true challenge of becoming a "real man".

I have thought about this more and more recently after some great conversations with other men who try their best to be real in their lives, and be honest and open with everyone they come in contact with. I find that the more I am honest  and open the better I feel about myself, and the better connected I can be with my wife, my coworkers, friends, and family.

Being a real man is not about strength, sexuality, knowledge of sports, or knowledge of beer. It is not about how many women you can pick up, or how many shots you take before you are completely sloshed. It is about being honest. Being open, and unafraid to wear your emotions and feelings and thoughts on your sleeve for the world to see.

Throughout this series, you will see guest posts from men who strive to be real, and what being a "real man" means to them. Men: The world is constantly changing and so are we. The call has been placed for all men to lay aside boyish dreams and ideas of masculine dominance, and to be more real. Time to show the world that there are men who are honest, unashamed to show their flaws, and not afraid to let their emotions out. There are men who want to be real.

*if you feel you have something you can add to this series, or want to share what beign a real man means to you, please feel free to e-mail me at thedaddyyoblog@gmail.com and I will be happy to talk with you*