I have been posting in the "Real Talk" series for a couple of weeks now, talking about what it means to be a "real man" in different areas of our life. The feedback has been great and I have been learning a lot about myself as well while writing this series.
But today, it is time to stop, and take a look at my life, and evaluate where I am at in my quest to become more real. It's time to look at where I am, and where I want to go, and what I have to do to get there. This will be the last post in the series for a little while and the series will be moved to new hosting over at Real Authentic Men. So, sit down with me, let me lie on your couch, and take a look inside.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Real Talk: Guest Post from Adam (@homebrewdharma)
So I was asked by @DaddyYoEffinRox if I wanted to write a guest post on what I think it means to be “a real man”. Sure, I thought, should be easy enough. But then so many questions. How to define “a real man”? By who’s standards? What are the implications of such a label? So then I tried to just not think about it for a few days.
I struggled while I attempted to write this. I thought about it probably 30 different ways. I tried to define it by this standard or that standard, but none of that really worked. Should I go from a mid-west perspective? A Buddhist one? How does the media portray “real men”? Generally I don’t give much thought to what constitutes a “real” version of anything (I recently blogged about my distaste for those that claim to have the “true” version of their religion) but considering what the media and society at large has to say about this particular subject, I think I owe it to my fellow men to give it a shot, even if I’m wrong. And in the theme of this blog (and my own experience), I think I’ll try and frame the idea of a “real man” into the role of fatherhood.
I had about 1000 words written about my father and grandfather, and how they gave me solid examples of what a “real man” is/should be. Things like fixing your own car, doing things right the first time (half-assed anything was grounds for punishment growing up) putting your family first, having confidence and instilling that confidence in those around you. But then I started to have some real reservations about my childhood models for manhood.
One thing I never learned as a youth was what a man was supposed to be, only what a man was supposed to do. The men in my life rarely told me how to be, rather they just taught me what to do and what not to do. A man was supposed to work his ass off, hunt, play/watch football, work on cars, roof his friend’s house, build decks, mow the lawn, work his ass off, drink beer, wear Wranglers, buy American, work his ass off, and grill in the summertime. Well, at least those were the most readily available (although a bit exaggerated) examples. But true to the old adage “do as I say, not as I do”, our Fathers all told us “dear god, don’t do what we do! Go to school so you never have to live like this!” So I was immersed in one reality and told to live another that was completely foreign to me, because the ideals that I embraced weren’t really ideals to be embraced even though it seemed as if they should be.
Has every generation experienced this? I know that parents generally try to elevate their children’s station in life above their own. But has society progressed so much that this becomes unrealistic? Is there now too much of a gap to be bridged? Maybe this is why my generation has such a hard time coping with “manhood” and parenting and adulthood. Our whole life we lived in one world, and were told to dream and strive for another with no idea of how that ideal actually works; no idea how to put it into practice. So we struggle. I struggle. I struggle with how to live and raise my children in the utopia my Father hoped to create for me, while at the same time I reach back for those qualities I admired about the “real men” of my youth.
Maybe what was lacking was the spiritual side of manhood, of fatherhood. Maybe when our grandfathers came back from WW2, they had no sprit left to give their sons. So manhood became something that was altogether mechanical, and was out of balance. Our fathers then pursued this mechanized lifestyle which fulfilled the mundane aspects of their lives, but left little room for them in the realm of that which is ethereal. For a few years, my dad raised me all by himself, and I now wonder if he struggled with this on some subconscious level. I wonder how detached my grandfather was. I wonder how my Father’s generation prepared for Fatherhood, if at all?
I’m starting to feel that what I’ve been searching for in my adulthood/fatherhood experience is the point at which I can touch what it is I’ve been attempting to define here. Is that why I feel like my generation is so… lost? Because we fail in our attempt to reach that point of contact? I wonder if we know we’re even supposed to be searching for it. Rather than attempt live up to the ideal of a “real man” (however you may choose to define it), I feel like most of the time we just get through the day without much attention to our intentions and motivations, mostly just stumbling.
So what is a real man here, now, in 2010? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pin that down. I’m still unsure of how to bethat living example of what it is I want my son to strive towards. At times I feel like I’ll never be half the man my father was, and other times I think that might be a good thing.
Or maybe the entire narrative of a “real man” is a false one; a narrative that exists only in fairy tales and Lifetime original movies. And if so, it might be a harmful one. Look at the false narrative that women have to live up to: the wafer-thin models that grace the covers of tabloid magazines put up like billboards advertising that this, yes this is what beauty is. Do we need this kind of stress in our lives? Do I need a constant reminder of how I’m failing to be a “real man”, especially since I can’t even seem to define what that is? We’ll never live up to the Bill Brasky-esque stories we hear around the proverbial water cooler. And we shouldn’t need to try.
It might just be that what makes a “real man” isn’t any set-in-stone list of qualities. I don’t think it really can be. I do my best to avoid absolutes, and this certainly doesn’t seem like the moment to embrace one. I’m wondering if what makes a man a “real man” is simply in the honest effort that he puts into his work, his family, his self, his community. I’m realizing now that my manhood can be found in the moments when I strive to be the example I wish to set for my children and their generation, regardless if I ever get there.
Adam Johnson
http://www.twitter.com/homebrewdharma
http://dharmabrewing.wordpress.com
Cheers.
Guest Post from Kevin Metzger: The DADvocate Project
Hello, I’m Kevin (@TheDADvocate) and I’d
like to start off this post by thanking The DaddyYo Blog for giving me the opportunity to guest post on their site and providing me the opportunity to tell you, the readers about The DADvocate
Project.
The DADvocate project is founded on the belief that as culture, business, and society has
changed so has the approach men are taking towards Fatherhood and family. I believe there
are quite a number of factors that contribute to this change and I wanted to put together a study to find out if my thoughts had any merit. As a result I have put together the largest privately conducted survey of dads ever undertaken. Our goal is to survey 1000 dads and interview 100 of them to get a feel for the modern day dad.
If you are a dad then you'll want to participate by completing the
www.thedadvocateproject.com/survey>survey. You may also want to sign up to be
interviewed. If you do sign up to be interviewed then you'll be entered into a drawing for an
Apple iPad to be held on August 1st. The survey is 60 questions and takes about 20 minutes
to complete but it's for a good cause. I also want to ensure that I will not be using or selling any personal data. All data will be aggregated and personal details will be removed. If you don't care to be interviewed you can also take the survey completely anonymously.
The DADvocate project is starting to gain momentum and you will want to be part. Here are
some quotes from others who have participated in, and/or support the project.
Drew Bennett (BenSpark)
"Form me there are no TV role models for Dads out there right now. I can’t think of one Dad on
TV or in movies that make me proud. Dad’s in the media are portrayed as morons or people
who avoid time with their family. However, that is not the kind of Dad I am and also it is not the type of Dad that many of my friends are. The DADvocate project is looking to change that."
Chris Singer (SAHD in Lansing)
"Kevin is indeed the full embodiment of a DADvocate. Not only does Kevin advocate on behalf of fathers and positive fatherhood, but also advocates strongly on behalf of one of his daughters, Haley, who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Although Kevin is only doing what any terrific DADvocate would do, I have to say I really admire Kevin and his family for the incredible support and advocacy they show for their
daughter."
Julia Roberts - Sheposts.com
"Kevin Metzger wants to answer a simple question: How are dads involved in their kids’ lives
verses dads of previous generations?"
Robbin Cobb - High Velocity Radio show
"I really loved hearing about what Kevin's doing in the DADvocate project."
Stone Payton - High Velocity Radio Show
"I loved talking about the whole DADvocate thing and in a lot of respects I'm a stay at home
dad. Which is one of the reasons I chose an entrepreneurial path."
Chris Jordan - Comment on a post at MetzgerBusiness.com
"I admire your work with the DADvocate project, and appreciate it more than you know -
especially in the role I play here at home with my daughter. There really is an all new generation of dads out here and I'm glad that you're helping us find our voice. Keep up the great work! If there is anything I can do to help with that project, please don't hesitate to ask for my help."
If you’re a dad join as by taking part in the survey. If you’re not a dad share this with all the dad’s you
know and encourage them to participate.
like to start off this post by thanking The DaddyYo Blog for giving me the opportunity to guest post on their site and providing me the opportunity to tell you, the readers about The DADvocate
Project.
The DADvocate project is founded on the belief that as culture, business, and society has
changed so has the approach men are taking towards Fatherhood and family. I believe there
are quite a number of factors that contribute to this change and I wanted to put together a study to find out if my thoughts had any merit. As a result I have put together the largest privately conducted survey of dads ever undertaken. Our goal is to survey 1000 dads and interview 100 of them to get a feel for the modern day dad.
If you are a dad then you'll want to participate by completing the
www.thedadvocateproject.com/survey>survey. You may also want to sign up to be
interviewed. If you do sign up to be interviewed then you'll be entered into a drawing for an
Apple iPad to be held on August 1st. The survey is 60 questions and takes about 20 minutes
to complete but it's for a good cause. I also want to ensure that I will not be using or selling any personal data. All data will be aggregated and personal details will be removed. If you don't care to be interviewed you can also take the survey completely anonymously.
The DADvocate project is starting to gain momentum and you will want to be part. Here are
some quotes from others who have participated in, and/or support the project.
Drew Bennett (BenSpark)
"Form me there are no TV role models for Dads out there right now. I can’t think of one Dad on
TV or in movies that make me proud. Dad’s in the media are portrayed as morons or people
who avoid time with their family. However, that is not the kind of Dad I am and also it is not the type of Dad that many of my friends are. The DADvocate project is looking to change that."
Chris Singer (SAHD in Lansing)
"Kevin is indeed the full embodiment of a DADvocate. Not only does Kevin advocate on behalf of fathers and positive fatherhood, but also advocates strongly on behalf of one of his daughters, Haley, who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Although Kevin is only doing what any terrific DADvocate would do, I have to say I really admire Kevin and his family for the incredible support and advocacy they show for their
daughter."
Julia Roberts - Sheposts.com
"Kevin Metzger wants to answer a simple question: How are dads involved in their kids’ lives
verses dads of previous generations?"
Robbin Cobb - High Velocity Radio show
"I really loved hearing about what Kevin's doing in the DADvocate project."
Stone Payton - High Velocity Radio Show
"I loved talking about the whole DADvocate thing and in a lot of respects I'm a stay at home
dad. Which is one of the reasons I chose an entrepreneurial path."
Chris Jordan - Comment on a post at MetzgerBusiness.com
"I admire your work with the DADvocate project, and appreciate it more than you know -
especially in the role I play here at home with my daughter. There really is an all new generation of dads out here and I'm glad that you're helping us find our voice. Keep up the great work! If there is anything I can do to help with that project, please don't hesitate to ask for my help."
If you’re a dad join as by taking part in the survey. If you’re not a dad share this with all the dad’s you
know and encourage them to participate.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Real Talk: Balance of being Hubby and Daddy
As dads, we are always struggling with how to be the best daddy we can be and the best men we can be. In the "Real Talk" series, we have talked about what it means to be a "real man" in different areas of our lives. Being a dad, being a husband, having courage, and making changes.
Then yesterday, my mom put the seed in my brain in raising this issue: To be the best dads you can be, you also must be the best husband-partner you can be. Powerful thought! There is a balance in our lives between being the best dad and being the best partner for our spouses. Both of which are very important in having a healthy relationship with our families, and for helping us become "real men".
Obviously, in some situations, it is not always possible for both parents to be at home, and I understand and acknowledge that completely. Choices that other's make are their choices and I am not here in any manner to step on peoples toes or to judge. However, I cannot write this post from that perspective not being in that type of situation myself. And I will not pretend to know about anything I don't know. This post deals with those of us who are married or have a partner at home. That being said, let's move on, shall we?
Then yesterday, my mom put the seed in my brain in raising this issue: To be the best dads you can be, you also must be the best husband-partner you can be. Powerful thought! There is a balance in our lives between being the best dad and being the best partner for our spouses. Both of which are very important in having a healthy relationship with our families, and for helping us become "real men".
Obviously, in some situations, it is not always possible for both parents to be at home, and I understand and acknowledge that completely. Choices that other's make are their choices and I am not here in any manner to step on peoples toes or to judge. However, I cannot write this post from that perspective not being in that type of situation myself. And I will not pretend to know about anything I don't know. This post deals with those of us who are married or have a partner at home. That being said, let's move on, shall we?
Monday, July 5, 2010
1095 Days
I was looking through baby photo albums the other day and just looked in amazement at the last 3 years of dadhood. From first baths, to first teeth, to first birthdays. The last three years of being a dad bave been an amazing trip. I can remember all the events we have photographed like it was just yesterday, though many have been hundreds of days ago.
The time has passed by so fast, and sometimes it feels like it will continue to speed up without regards to me wanting it to go slower. Time is to be so cherished in an age where nobody stops to smell the roses and live in the moments that make these times so great.
Three years, 1095 days of crying, laughing, playing, and pooping. 1095 days of happiness, joy, fear, and uncertainty. And you know what? I have been blessed and very thankful for every last day, every last minute, and every last second.
I am only 27 years old, and hopefully I will have another 27 years ahead of me. But tomorrow is not a guarantee. So why waste the time I have now? My children are my world and my reason for everything that I do. I don't know where I would be without them, and don't even want to imagine life if I didn't have them in it.
The kiddos have grown so fast already, from barely being able to stay awake for more than an hour to keeping daddy awake long after they should have been in bed. It is just simply amazing to me the rapidness of these milestones and changes and I stand in awe of the miracle of life everyday when I look at them.
1095 days. 26280 hours. 1576800 minutes. 94608000 seconds .... it has all passed quickly no matter how it's counted, but not a second, minute, hour, or day has gone unwanted or wasted. Count your blessings, kiss them youngins, and enjoy every second, every hour, every day, because tomorrow is not guaranteed. It's just hoped for!
The time has passed by so fast, and sometimes it feels like it will continue to speed up without regards to me wanting it to go slower. Time is to be so cherished in an age where nobody stops to smell the roses and live in the moments that make these times so great.
Three years, 1095 days of crying, laughing, playing, and pooping. 1095 days of happiness, joy, fear, and uncertainty. And you know what? I have been blessed and very thankful for every last day, every last minute, and every last second.
I am only 27 years old, and hopefully I will have another 27 years ahead of me. But tomorrow is not a guarantee. So why waste the time I have now? My children are my world and my reason for everything that I do. I don't know where I would be without them, and don't even want to imagine life if I didn't have them in it.
The kiddos have grown so fast already, from barely being able to stay awake for more than an hour to keeping daddy awake long after they should have been in bed. It is just simply amazing to me the rapidness of these milestones and changes and I stand in awe of the miracle of life everyday when I look at them.
1095 days. 26280 hours. 1576800 minutes. 94608000 seconds .... it has all passed quickly no matter how it's counted, but not a second, minute, hour, or day has gone unwanted or wasted. Count your blessings, kiss them youngins, and enjoy every second, every hour, every day, because tomorrow is not guaranteed. It's just hoped for!
Breastfeeding: Support your Natural Moms
Welcome to the July 2010 Carnival of Nursing in Public
This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Nursing in Public hosted by Dionna and Paige at NursingFreedom.org. All week, July 5-9, we will be featuring articles and posts about nursing in public ("NIP"). See the bottom of this post for more information.
***
Today I am going to touch on the subject of breastfeeding in public. Yes, I said breastfeeding in a dad blog haha. In support of the Carnival of Nursing in public, I decided to write this post in support of breastfeeding moms everywhere who are discriminated against and singled out for doing nothing more than caring for their children.
A lot of dads are uncomfortable with the subject, and I must admit I was for a long time, until I had children of my own. My wife did not breastfeed, but as a dad, and having read many things on the subject, my view of nursing in public changed quite a bit. I used to be one of these people that couldn't believe it when I saw a mother nursing a child in a public setting and will be man enough to admit that. But I believe growing up a little, and having children changed my perspective.
Now I look at it as just a mother caring for their child in a very natural way. Nothing more. There is nothing explicit or sexual about it. And definately, nothing wrong with it worth being kicked out of a public place. Whether using a bottle or the breast, feeding and caring for a child is nothing more than feeding and caring for a child. How do you think it used to be done before the bottle?
So, why is it that we have become desinsitized to the thought of a woman feeding her baby in the most natural of ways? When did, what used to be the only way of feeding a baby, become such a touchy subject, and in some places, frowned upon? In my opinion, we have media to blame for a lot of it and insensible people who cannot learn to learn and understand. Television, movies, YouTube, ect. The world has been flooded with images and thoughts that any bearing of skin by a female should be taken in an explicit and sexual manner. What was once not even thought twice about is now viewed as "skanky" and ill-mannered.
I can comepletely understand arguments from people who don't have children of their own or just don't understand nursing in general and I respect their opions. But here is my point: Why are you looking at a mom who is nursing as some sort of sexual and provocative action? Have you people lost your minds? I think it is time for the world to examine nursing in public and the process of nursing in general and understand that this is natural, and in no way meant to be sexual. Look past what society has been teaching you, and become more educated to the subjects. Learn to learn and understand
Men, dads, general public: Breastfeeding is natural. It has been natural since the beginning of time. Can't we learn to overcome the brainwash being pushed on us by "sex sells" media powerhouses and learn a little more compassion? Can we not evolve into more carign and understanding people who are willing to learn and willing to be understanding of the life choices of others?
Dads, we all love our wives, and all respsect what they do and their part in the care of our children. Why don't we learn to support all moms, and stand up for their rights? Why don't we call on the modern dad to not just change the face of dadhood, but to help shape the future of parenting, period? We are called to be real and it doesn't stop with just ourselves. We can help make the world a more understanding place for dads AND moms alike.
Discrimination is wrong, period. The world doesn't have to be full of spiteful ignorance, and we can help make that change!
Written by John T for the Carnival of Nursing in Publlic
Welcome to the Carnival of Nursing in Public
Please join us all week, July 5-9, as we celebrate and support breastfeeding mothers. And visit NursingFreedom.org any time to connect with other breastfeeding supporters, learn more about your legal right to nurse in public, and read (and contribute!) articles about breastfeeding and N.I.P.
Do you support breastfeeding in public? Grab this badge for your blog or website to show your support and encourage others to educate themselves about the benefits of breastfeeding and the rights of breastfeeding mothers and children.
This post is just one of many being featured as part of the Carnival of Nursing in Public. Please visit our other writers each day of the Carnival. Click on the links below to see each day’s posts - new articles will be posted on the following days:July 5 - Making Breastfeeding the Norm: Creating a Culture of Breastfeeding in a Hyper-Sexualized World
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