Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm Scared and Need a Hug (or a diaper)

So while I was washing dishes this morning I was doing some thinking. Dish washing is a great time to think. I do a lot of pondering and sel searching when I am washing dishes at work late at night. This morning I was thinking about a comment I received on the new blog design about the picture of me in the header. @babypodesigns  told me it looked like I was looking or the future.  Maybe not so much in the picture, but I was looking at it and thinking about it while washing the dishes this morning.

A lot of people look forward to the fall. The air starts to cool down, the days get a little shorter, and the mountains are a canvas of red, yellow and orange. The smell in the air leaves the senses teased with the anticipation of the upcoming fall and winter holidays. For me, this fall brings changes, and in a way, a whole new life. The Wifey is going back to school starting this fall, majoring in Pharmacy Tech, my son will start the Head Start preschool program right next door to us, and I am stepping in to a new role at work as a part time manager. It is a very exciting time for us, but it is also so very scary. So let's break it down as to why each new adventure scares the crap out of me.

Wifey starts school : Now, do not get me wrong, I am UBER stoked that the wife is going back to school. I dropped out of college twice and I spend a lot of time having regretted that decision. It is something she wants to do and will help our finances when she starts working in that field. Her first semester is almost entirely online except for one class on tuesday nights. So I will stop working on tuesdays and just make an all day Daddy/Kiddo day out of it, which is great. The scary part you ask? Bewteen my incoherent work schedule and these crazy kiddos, time management is not going to be easy. She will need the time to study and do her class assignments, and I will need rest every now and then. Seems that we will hardly see each other, or have the alone time we need.

Son starts school : It is a very exciting, and very nervous day for parents when their children start school. I will be happy to see him go off with the other kids and be excited for him to be around other children, making friends, and stepping into a whole new world for him. The Wifey will be a nervous wreck and probably cry for an hour thinking about how grown up he is getting and where the time has gone between first bringing him home, and the present. Okay, I might cry a little to, I will admit. The scary part: How well have I prepared him? How will he react to the new environment and new friends? How will his home life impact his reactions? How have my actions and what he picks up from me affected him and his way of reacting to different people and new situations?

New role at work : I am actually really excited about this. I have been at the same job for almost 3 years now and have been hoping that at the 3 year mark I would be doing a little more than cooking. I wil be a part time manager, working 2 or three management shifts a week, the other shifts I will be cooking. Not exactly a huge leap, so much as a step forward. The money will be better, which of course, is a big issue for us. The scary part? More added stress from an already stressful job, more time to be spent away from the family, more sleep lost.

I have been thinking about these three things all morning long. All of it is very exciting and I am glad to see our family moving forward, taking on new things, and doing what we need to do. But when it comes down to it, I am truly scared. I am scared that I will not cut it as a manager, scared that I have not prepared my son for this whole new world awaiting him in school, and scared that I will not be able to provide my wife the help she needs starting her new adventure. Have I been adequate as a father? Have I taught my son what he needs to know? Has he learned from me how to interact with new people and be polite, courteous, ans self restrained? Have I been strong as a husband so that my wife knows she can depend on me for support, study help, or to take over the kids while she escapes to do her work? Have I performed the way I should at my job so that my managers can have faith in my new role? Will the employees working under me have faith in me?

So many questions I cannot answer, and may never find the answer to. So many things on my mind this
morning that I feel, at my lowest, inadequate, unprepared, and shaken. I write this just to put these feelings out in the open. Perhaps I have nothing to worry about and everything will be fine. Maybe I have over prepared or under prepared, but who knows? Life is like that. The answer comes after it is needed, because only when life happens, can life questions finally be answered. I'm sure I will look back years from now and see things I could have done different, ways I could have been better as a husband and dad and employee. But for now, I guess I will just move forward like always. I will follow life, where ever it is planning on taking me, and hang on for the ride. The next stop is just up ahead, but who knows when the train will get there.


Daddy Files said...

I understand the worry, but you're doing fine and these fears will subside when all of this starts and you find out it's all good.

My wife started going back to school last year. She went one night a week and it was tough because she works 50 hours a week and hardly ever sees me or Will. So Monday night was just one more night away. Unfortunately she dropped out when this whole thing with the baby happened, but until then we were handling it. It's not easy and I got a little overwhelmed with work and taking care of my son nearly by myself. But as long as you bend and don't break you'll be fine.

Good luck. You're ready, your son is ready and your wife is ready. You're a good guy, no need to doubt yourself.

twistedxtian said...

All we can do is our best. We do what we can to prepare for the situations that arise before us and have faith that we've done enough.

Like Daddy Files, said, "You're ready, your son is ready and your wife is ready." You've done your best, and as things change you guys will grow and adapt.

And you've also got this awesome support network of folks that read your blog and chat with you on Twitter. :)

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